MENtality - Those Boxes

In our society holding on to anger, resentment, grudges and fear is very widespread. It is even encouraged. So much so that sometimes when people speak of releasing long held grudges and unforgiveness against others they are scorned at or scoffed on for taking the liberating road less travelled. While this approach seems so popular it is neither healthy nor liberating.

For many there is a room in their subconscious; in the house of their emotions that they keep shut with lock and key. Behind the door of this room are boxes under lid. Within these boxes are contents of fractured relationships, uncomfortable experiences and unresolved emotions. Most people know that this room is there but they try to forget it and ignore it. Every now and then they interact with the people, encounter situations and memories are triggered which cause them to retrieve contents from particular boxes. When the interaction has ended they return the contents, cover the box and lock the door until the next encounter; many times creating new boxes of unresolved issues and relationships.

While most people attribute patterns like holding grudges and unforgiveness to women, men are equally prone to do the same. Generally, it is understood that men express themselves differently but the room exists all the same with the boxes stored up. It may manifest in anger, violence, unwillingness to commit to one partner, not connecting intimately emotionally and the tendency to avoid talking and deep, meaningful conversations. Hey, after all, men are strong and tough and in this society we are trained not to wear our tender emotions on our sleeves. The consequence is that we end up harming our relationships.

Is it true that men don’t get afraid? Is it true that men don’t get hurt? Is it true that men don’t carry resentment or grudges? Men are humans. Men are not tin cars like what children throw on the ground and push through the dirt. Like women, men need to breathe air, to eat food to nourish our bodies, to rest, sleep and rejuvenate our bodies. Men are humans too. Not only do we have sexual desires but we also desire, in fact, we need for connection and belonging and respect.

We were once little boys who cried, and smiled and got hungry and breastfed and longed for hugs and kisses. As we grew up to little children, we longed to play with the other boys and to fit in with the other children. As boys we wanted to be appreciated and recognized for the work we did well; for fixing the toy. We all desired stability, a functional family and safe home and community. Then as we grew up we all desired to be unique and significant for something. Eventually, we dreamt of what we wanted to be when we grew up and what our ideal life would be like. However all along this journey we observed, we saw things happening in our household (or households), many of those little boys were shaken, hurt and left exposed. They learned unhealthy ways of addressing issues out of their own hurts, disappointments and insecurities. They all grew up. We all grew up; we are all became men but that room and those boxes are packed away and we wonder why we are stuck, why we can’t seem to do the right thing, why we lose control whenever that situation happens.

What can we do about those boxes?

Open the door, let some air and light in. Take out the boxes. Take them to the living room and open them up. Lay the contents out and acknowledge what’s there. Identify the contents; accept the contents. Lay them all out before you and determine what should be done with them and where the contents should be placed. Some will need to be washed and sanitized. Some will need to be dusted. Some will need to be plugged in to function. Some will need be put on display, some will need to be reupholstered and some will need to be pleasantly and peacefully placed in the trash. However, you must unpack each box, confront the issues and deliberately decide the appropriate, healthy action to deal with the contents. You cannot heal what you do not reveal.

You have probably heard the saying that hurt people hurt people. It’s also true that broken people create broken relationships. It’s time to clear out that room and lay it all out.

Krisnan Hurdle is a board certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and certified Life Coach trained by Anthony Robbins. He is the principal consultant at Insight Consulting (Barbados), "Thinking for Change".
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